My Experiments with the four wheels

“A lot can happen over a cup of coffee”. Yes, you are right. Its the tagline of a famous coffee joint. But I was amazed to see how this line will prove to be true for my life. Well not exactly, but little modified. A lot can happen in a tea break.
It was just an ordinary day, same work, same colleagues, same workstation & most importantly the same office. Me, Biswal & Ojha went down to have a cup of tea (the only refreshment in the monotonous software ordeal). The only time we could rest our straining fingers (due to excessive social networking & chats) & see the beauty of this nature (mostly from the office opposite to ours).
Suddenly Biswal told that “Me & Ojha are planning to learn driving & get a license before we leave Kolkata”. They were about to leave Kolkata soon. “We have called a person from the driving school & he will be arriving in any minute” he told. I had always nurtured the dream of driving a Merc or BMW. The main obstacle to it was my lack of driving knowledge (ignoring the fact that neither I own a Merc or BMW nor have the money to own it in future).
“I will learn too.” I told.
He came in a green old maruti 800 , the one model which is obsolete now a days. Since Ojha & Biswal were in a hurry to get the license he told them to get the required docs & photo on that day only. So my dear friends deserted me infront of the office gate & went inside to get the docs.
“We will start with you.” he told. “In the mean time they can get those docs”. “But I was here for a cup of tea only” I mumbled but my words seemed to be unheard by him. “we will start with the theory first & then we’ll start driving”. Have I heard theory? The word theory never sounded so beautiful. “ok” I replied. He asked me to get in the drivers seat & showed me the ABC of the car, the gear box & then the order came. “ok, now you start the car”. “Me? Are you kidding me? Why don’t we do a little more theory, I am good at that. What will happen to me now?” all those questions were pouncing on my head as I started the engine, pressed clutch, shifted to 1st gear, released the gear & finally closed my eyes. “Oh God , Please save me. why on earth did I told those devils that I want to learn driving?” But to my surprise the car kept on moving. My hands were folded in prayer, eyes shut closed in order to avoid the view of the car crashing into something or someone. “What should I do now? should I jump out of that small window or should I yell out for help? ” When I opened my eyes I saw the instructor operating the car. “Thank god they have an extra pair of clutch & brake in that car. Now I feel safe.” The next danger was just over the next turn. The main road. “Shouldn’t we practice in open field first & later hit the road?” I asked but my trainer denounced my suggestion. I could see buses, cars & even cycles & pedestrians overtaking my car as we were driving at a 5km/hr speed on the main road.
In a few classes confidence grew & 5 was changed to 15 to 25 to 30km/hr. Now I was able to overtake the cycles. Meanwhile Biswal & Ojha were taking the lesson too & as expected doing better than me. Every time they will tell me how the drove or what speed they took making me more miserable. “Guys, why me? why you are not picking someone of your own size? If you devils were not there in my life I wouldn’t have been struck here in the first place. Well classes went by, my number of mistakes kept on increasing. Car stopping in the traffic, continuous honking by others made me more & more nervous but still somehow I fought my way out of in those 15 days & got the most important lesson in driving. Its just “how to loose your clutch in five seconds”.
PS: Now I have passed the driving test & on the verge of getting the license. So now you can see how a tea break have changed my life. I just went for a cup of tea & returned with the knowledge of ABC extending to the addition of another photo id to my kitty.

a B-Grade Day..

Just before the dirty mind comes into action let me confirm that this post not regarding the first thing that come to your mind after reading this headline. So if you are disappointed to hear this then please don't read any further.
The B-Grade here is a parade ground for the army, located in Kolkata a place for political meetings & rallies. Now its turn to disappointed the political brains. This post is not at all politically motivated & is an effort to view those days from the eyes of a Common man.
Brigade cholo is a common line for the bengalis. A recent survey showed that its the 3rd common word spoken by bengali people in their  day to day life. (The first & second being shala & #@%^&*@ )
Before knowing their home address each kid gets to learn the address of Brigade parade ground. And this is due to the flurry of rallies held there by the Left-Right & Centre.
 The word Brigade cholo though having different meaning for different people.
For the top level leaders -an acid test , an opportunity to show their strength & to see the opponent party's strength (in terms on the total headcount).
The second , third, other tier leaders- Obey what the high command orders & make sure the attendance is not less than a lakh.
Hardcore supporters- Giving the attendance.
Crowd- Be a part of the Crowd, get entertained, a free meal. You never know that it could be your lucky day- your face being shown on TV. If you get a chance to give a bite(though 90% of those are fixed beforehand) - then it could be the most memorable day in your life.
Common man- Traffic jam, packed bus-trains or a holiday.
Now as you are aware of the topic lets discuss how I felt in the latest Brigade cholo day.
Since I am fortunate enough to live in the urban area &  sensible enough to let go an opportunity of a free meal & sight seeing, I try to stay away from this area as far as possible. But it would be unfair to say that the thrill of riding an overcrowded matadoor or the  fun of being in the crowd of thousands never crossed my imagination. But the responsibility of being The Common Man made me abstain these Funs of life.
Coming back to the topic , it was called by the ruling party & was a sahid dibos as well as a bijoy dibos for them. (though both of the days had no connection with one another). But it was different. A total change from the earlier Brigades. There was song (not gonosangeet), dance , performance alowgwith the regular schedule of boktrita & gurubondona (I will come to it later). It was Shatabdi & Debashree dancing in the rain but not to the usual tune or usual manner in which we have seen them before. The tollywood hero Dev made a special appearance & his act was unusual too. He started singing(in a pathetic voice) Paglu , thora sa karle romance.!!!  The rainy weather was perfect for romancing but the ambiance was not. Well , I think he was not aware of the event properly or else he could have sung dadu (read dada here) gelo chomke. 
But our veteran actors & new born politicians were not that dumb. Mr Tapas Pal sung  ay amar guru-dokkhina, guru ke janai pronam (we can ignore the gender error here). Well he should really thank the Supremo for reviving his acting career as well as giving him an alternate career.
Mr Chiranjeet did Sudhu Tomar Bani Noy Hey Bandhu Hey Priyo. Majhe Majhe Prane Tomar Paros Khani Diyo . Now please ignore my dirty mind if the word porosh bears more than one meaning for me. Mr Mullik too was present but I think the crowd would have been happier to see her daughter instead. One thing which impressed me the most is that the CM let the entertainment part in the hand of professionals this time & she herself stayed away from any such acts. Well, till this part I was referring to Star Anondo. Now as I came to 24 Ghonta it was the Lords test (100th between India & England , 2000 in overall history of cricket). The 24 Ghonta channel were more focused in international matter rather than petty local politics (no pun intended).
This is a snapshot of what happened in the two channels during that day.
12PM :
Star Anondo- Bristi upekkha kore brigade e jono jowar. Kolkata police shustho bhabe Traffic niyontron korche. Jan cholachol shabhabhik.
24Ghonta- Brigader chape sohorer nabhishah. Jan cholachol stobdho.
1 PM:
Star Anondo- Katare katare manush Brigade mukhi. Manusher utsaher samne bristi o har mene gelo.
 24Ghonta- Aj Lords test suru hocche.
2 PM:
Star Anondo- Apnara dekhchen Brigade er chobi sorasori star anonde.
 24Ghonta- Dhoni toss jitey fielding nilen. Oitihashik test suru hote ar kichukhon.
3 PM: 
 Star Anondo- Aj ek Oitihashik muhurter sahhki hoye roilo ei Brigade. Mukkho montri tar Sombhabbho kormosuchi janlen. Agami dos bochor chup kore dekhun - bollen tini.
  24Ghonta- Yuvraj singh baad ar tar jaygay Raina r antorbhukti Sombhabbho bharotiyo ekadosh e.
5 PM: 
Star Anondo- Sobha sesh e mukkhomontrir ahobhane safai kaj suru. Kalker moddhe Brigade purano chehar phire pacche, janalen tini.
 24Ghonta-  Eta ki manuser Brigade na aborjonar brigade?? Bisesh protbedon sondhey 7 tay.

---from the eyes of a Common Man---

GONODHOLAI

Gonodholai: According to the latest addition in oxford dictionary “Its a sort of group activity/ adventure sports for normal people (Aam aadmi) in which their primal instinct gets a boost ”
It can be found everywhere around the world (by different names off course)and also in some species of primates (Chimpanzees, Monkeys & some others representing our ancestors).
Let us first know what is gonodholai & how it is performed…. In India its mainly found in the eastern regions (West Bengal & surroundings) where a particular form of ‘One to Many’ relationship can be seen. Here One is the recipient and Many are the donors. The One gets thrashed by the Many in many different ways .Please note : here each individual of the Many community has his/her particular ways of delivery & no two ways will match each other(its a scientifically proven fact). The One may sometimes try to protest but in the course of time he/she will submit to the flow & cooperate accordingly. His/ her last act in most cases is to have a good day (sometimes night too) sleep lasting from hours up-to eternity. The police & hospital & burning ghats do play an important part in this process (mostly after the whole act is over though sometimes the police becomes a part of Many in places like UP , Bihar ect but in Kolkata they remain mostly as a spectator).
Lets see who are the people in One community: It can be anyone like petty thieves, pick pockets, ’suspected’ terrorists , eve teasers, kidnappers, doctors , teachers ,ration dealers or it can be you & me too in our lucky days….
The Many can be any one like other petty thieves, pick pockets, ’suspected’ terrorists , eve teasers, kidnappers, doctors , teachers ,ration dealers or it can be you & me too in our lucky days. 
Lets get into business & list the advantages of this gonodholai.
1) Its an adventure sports for the bengalis , or rather the only adventure sports if you take out hanging from bus/ local trains.
2) The second most source of entertainment , first being watching zero hour in doordarshan.
3) Its the only way the bengalis can shed their soft image & show the world that they are man too.
4) One of the main source of venting our frustrations & anger. Any normal bong (beaten by wife, thrashed by boss, cheated by grocer & robbed by the local club for puja’r chanda) can feel like superman while involved in a gonodholi.
5) The female population are not only left as cheerleaders & they too actively participate in this sports , their means includes using of sandals. broom, belan or fingernails or tearing off cloths or pulling the hair or excessive screaming in front of the ear resulting in temporary or permanent loss of hearing. So its another way to show that the fairer sex can do what the stronger sex does.
6) It builds a team spirit among the Many as they forget all their important personal issues & work side by side. So it can be used as a medium for promoting national harmony.
7) Not only the Many but the One is also benefited by this act. He gets body massage, sometimes hair cut (with Ghol added as a hair pack) & facial (by shoe polish) & most importantly a medical checkup absolutely free. He can learn unknown facts about his birth & family during this act & also gets some new names too.
This list can continue further but lets end this topic here by asking my dear friends to please participate generously in this act (whenever you get a chance).

The CUP of LIFE…

Anhoni ko honi karde Honi ko anhoni Ek jaga jab jama ho teeno Rajni, Ghajni aur Dhoni.
One deadly trio indeed. Mr Ghajni with a brand new mustache, Rajni , bald black completely different from the South movies & Dhoni , a confident , calm, but determined warrior. End result- We won the World cup 2011.
but was it that much simple?
Well let me recollect the world cup memories & incidents. sure it was far more exiting & melodramatic.
Opening Ceremony: It was held at Bangladesh & was the same old cliche type ceremony with the only highlight being the captains entering the stadium riding on a RICKSHAW. (Hope roads in Bangladesh were better than what we have here & the captains did not have a bumpy ride.) Well, the cup proved to be a bumpy ride for some of them, Strauss & Ponting amongst the few.
Opening Match: It was India vs Bangladesh, the Giants vs the Giant killers (hope you have not forgot last wc). Our openers made sure that nothing of that sort happened in that match & India had a comfortable win (with some minor hiccups in the bowling & fielding dept). Shewag scored a wonderful century & that was the end of Shewag performance for this WC. There were a few Sparks here & there in the later matches but nothing thats can be called a Shewag like innings.
The Great TIE: ICC should award a special Trophy to the England team for making the 50 over format interesting. All of their matches were exiting,nail-biting & not for people with weak hearts. This was nothing different, perhaps the most exiting of all. It started with the 98th international ton of the master followed by a collapse after his departure. It reminded us of the old times (during Azhar’s captaincy) when India’s win or loss was determined by the Master’s performance & rest of the team playing role of extras. Strauss countered with a 150 but due to some fine death bowling by the Indians & some sloppy ones from likes of Chawla & Nehra we had a tie.
People started questioning about the inclusion if Chawla in the team & even doubted if there was some Dostana between Mahi & Chawla.
Ireland Match: India was supposed to win the match & they did win. Ireland though defeating England in the previous match could not do anything special in this match. The highlight was the Birth of All rounder Yuvraj (a fifer & a fifty).
The All Rounder off the field started performing on the field too.
Netherland match: Same result as the Ireland match. While the Master did not bother to perform against these Minnows Yuvi was busy in Grabbing the MoM awards for his kitty.
SA match: Another big match & 99th century for the master. After he departs Sten gunned down others to restrict India below 300. Another nail-biter but the host lost it.
This match gave birth to the line “Behind every successful batsman there is a Kamran Akmal & in front of every successful batsman there is a Ashish Nehra ”
WI match: With the team already in the quarters it was just a matter of deciding the order in which the teams will finish. Yuvi bagged another MoM & suddenly the bowling started looking formidable. India finished 2nd & faced Australia in quarters.
People thought loosing this match would have been much better option as facing Australia so early was risky for our team.
Revenge of 2003 : Finals: Revenge never tasted so sweet. At last the it was sure that Australia wont win this time. Ponting made a serious effort to extend his cricketing life & scored a century but Indians demolished all his hopes.
Latest news being he is out of the captaincy & waiting for his pink slip from the team.
Mother of all Matches: India vs Pak it was in the semis. Everyone was expecting Sachin’s 100th ton in this match & it seemed that Pakistan was eager for it too. In order to be a part of such an historical moment they dropped 4 sitters of the Master. But the Master found that derogatory & at last ended his torturous batting display (most unlikely of him).
One interesting comment made here was “Sachin should walk off if Pak misses another catch”. India finished at 260 thanks to Raina for a cool head. His inclusion in the team changed the attitude in the field. India was saving 20-30 runs in the field. The bowlers did a superb job & Nehra proved his worth by a good display of bowling & 260 was more than enough in the end. Misbah did the role of a tragic hero in this match.(Same as first T20 wc final)
The Nehra jokes stopped from that day.
Haawa chal gayi zoron ki
Maar di humne Goron ki
Phir bari thi Haram khoron ki
Aur aj bari hain Sita ke choron ki……..
The Grand Finale: The stage was set , the two best team against each other, everyone except Poonam Pandey’s parents were Bleeding Blue on that day. The born cheaters Lankans started cheating from the toss & Sanga made sure that he was on the winning side of the toss.(That was the only win for Lanka on that day)
Zaheer started with a dream spell to restrict the openers. Mahela ended with a great Ton.
Now everyone was expecting Sachin’s reply. But it was anti climax in the 1st over itself. Shewag out. Sachin showed his brilliance but Malinga proved to be better on that day.
Hopes started diminishing but the young team India fought back. First it was Virat & Gambhir. Then Dhoni joined the party. The best move of this world cup. Everybody knew Yuvi’s weakness against Murli so Dhoni stepped in & after Gambhir left his century on the ground he & Yuvi finished it off. The last hit , a SIX from the Captain. A perfect ending to the match.
Post match there was the victory lap in which team India carried Sachin in place of the trophy. The comment from Virat showed the emotions & respect for the Master “He(Sachin) has been carrying the whole nation on his shoulder for 21 years. Today it is our turn to carry him.”
Munaf missed the victory lap & Poonam got absconded from that day. Mahi shaved his head & still Poonam is missing.

A day to remember

At last I got a job… That was what my first reaction after seeing the SSC results.
My long time dream of teaching, of being a mentor, of doing something good for the society and most importantly of being employed was coming true. But this feeling was short lived. 50% of it broke as soon as I saw my posting at Jaynagar, a place in south 24 pgs , a little over 80 kms from my home & 4 hours of journey(is stretched to 7 hours on one lucky day). The good work of breaking the other half of my hopes were a combined effort of my students, my fellow colleagues, my place of living, & the mosquitoes (some of them as big as jet plane), snakes , bugs ,cockroaches living with me.
The only shinning part of this rather gloomy life was the salary. It was good (far beyond my expectations) & my only motivation for continuing with this job..
Oho… let me introduce myself. I am Mr X , a MSc in physics from one of the most reputed institutes of this country(its the IIT …for those who cannot figure out what I am referring to), a short (most of my students were taller than me), soft spoken , city guy.
Enough with the introduction part ,lets get into business.
One fine morning I got this ‘Good’ news that I was one of the teachers selected for doing census in that area. And I was the Lucky one because I don’t have an ailing wife at home or children’s exam or marriage of my brother/sister in laws(in our country this is much more important than census). My recent tiff with the head master proved to be the cherry on the top. So I sacrificed the dream of enjoying my summer vacations at home & devoted myself to this ‘Noble’ (referred by the headmaster) work.
On that saturday I left home with a few of my Noble crusaders in for collecting the data from a village called radhanagar.
The first house in which we went was a concrete one, made up of bricks & a asbestos ceiling (one of the few in that area). I collected all the required information’s & then got some strange request from the owner. He wanted to include his name in the BPL community so that he can enjoy some benefits. I told him that it does not looks that he belongs to BPL & I cannot include his name there. So his next request came. It was more shocking than the first one. He wanted to include his fathers name in the BPL list. He showed me the cattle shed & advised me to give that as his fathers residence in the form. His father must be so proud of him after hearing this.
On the fifth house I saw another son who will make their parents proud. When I asked about his fathers name he replied that he does not know that (also his mothers name too) but his elder brother living a few village apart might be able to tell. My colleague suggested to give any arbitrary name there as according to him “who the hell is bothered about what we write in the form”. He wend one step further & suggested the name to be Rizwan Khan, the name of the hero of a movie he recently went to see on his last sick leave. According to him watching ‘Saarook khan’s ‘ movie on the first day was far more important than taking maths classes. Adding to my surprise that man too agreed to make Rizwan khan his father. Well if he is happy with his ‘new’ father the government will not interfere.
In another house a man in his late fifties told his age to be 35 , his wife age as 27 with the elder son of age 21. I told him this is not biologically possible so he negotiated his age to 40, wife’s to 33 & his elder son was reduced by 5 years. We were okey with this as it is feasible both biologically & mathematically.
As one should save the best for the last this was the best incident of that day. An eye opener for our government.
In one of the houses a man had 2 wives & both of them were living ‘peacefully’(that what he informed us). So he wanted to include both their names as his wife. As being partial to anyone of them can cause the ‘peace’ of his house to break in pieces. But our form neither had 2 columns for wife’s name & nor any one of his wives was ready to part with her share of him. After hearing another round of slangs from both of his wives we assured them that we will ask the government to make a special form where multiple options for wives/ husbands name should be present(our government should take this matter seriously).
After that day’s work was over I returned to my house with an enriched vocabulary, a few experiences of lifetime, an injured knee (I slipped a couple of times) & a few threats (2 of them were death threats, 5 of breaking all the bones, 15-20 of breaking some body part or the other).
This was a learning experience for me. Learning in all respect as I added many new words to my vocabulary, slangs, mostly spoken to us during our vigil (most of the people had some sort of strange fear about what we were doing). I was surprised to see their talent in finding new abusive words & ashamed of my ignorance(our education ministry should start a course on this for idiots like me). This was an eye opener for me (& ear opener too).
(Based on the experiences of one of my friend & the ‘writer’s imagination’)