Beltala Blues

During my driving days I realized that driving was easy but getting 'license to drive' was the tricky part. As my classes were on the verge of end, the thought of failing in driving exam started creeping into my mind. There was as such no valid reason for it but somehow I was not at all satisfied about my driving skills. If it was me taking my exam I would have surely failed myself. Blame it on my cab driver who is excellent behind the wheels & the dream of driving like him in those 15 days made me sulk. The only change I noticed was the attitude of my teacher during the last few days. He transformed from his criticizing self to an encouraging self & was even encouraging me in my mistakes. I suppose the reason behind it might be the 'Gurudakshina' (some extra income), which I promised to pay if I passed the exam.
The D-day was near. The two devils I mentioned before (Biswal & Ojha) had already passed their exams. They told about their experience, gave me tips for success & eventually made me more nervous.
On that day I reached at 1 pm at Maddox Square (a place with many old memories not relevant to this topic though). The place was a complete chaos. There were people of all shapes & sizes, cars of prehistoric ages & a few people from the training centers. But the most awaited one was no where seen. We waited & waited like a band on Romeo's waiting for Juliet to appear. But time was precious so we all were given a trial run before the final exam. As always there was gender bias-ness & we had our turn after the fairer sex finished the trial. The person from the training center was a grumpy man (as told before by Biswal) & was misbehaving with everyone ,except a few ,(bias-ness one more). This time the car did not stop while starting. I was regaining my confidence. Next was trial for signal test. We were made to stand in a line. One of them started shouting 'Right turn, Left turn, Starting signal.......' & we were showing those. This reminded me of my school days where we did PT during sports class. I was doing as miserable as I did during those PT classes. My terrible sense of direction made the situation more worse. It takes time for me to determine what is left & right. Blame my apolitical outlook for this. So I decided to do 'follow the leader' & started  doing exactly what the person in front was doing. Next was the turn for the actual exam.
After a wait of 3 hours our Juliet finally appeared. Well, he can surely give a competition to the annoying girlfriends who keeps you waiting for hours. Our group was quickly divided into 4 subgroups & were posted at 4 corners of the park. First it was gender bias-ness once more. He was sitting in the front seat beside the driver & 4 persons were told to enter the Maruti 800, one in front, 3 behind. When the first one finished his test he was deserted at the middle of the road & another from the back seat occupied his place. This process continued till all the 4 were done with. Next they picked up 4 more from the nearest available corner. There was another Training car following the maruti 800 with another 4 persons for situations when there was no nearest corner available. To top it up one of the training center guy was jogging beside the test car giving instructions to the driver. Now you can figure out the speed with which we were driving. In our case the Grumpy guy started running. 'Well, now I realize the cause of his grumpiness.' 
When it was my turn to take the drivers seat, he asked me my name. I replied. 'Well I did answer the first question right'. Next he ordered to start the car. I started the engine, pressed the clutch, shifted gear & did the most difficult task successfully. 'to lose your gear in 5 seconds without stopping the car.' Well I did it. Done with the hard part. I was so overwhelmed with my success that I did not realize that my car was going to bump into a parked car. The constant shouting from outside made me take control of the steering & I quickly shifted to second gear. 'Stop here' he ordered. My driving test was over. With rats running inside my stomach(due to both tension & hunger) I returned to the starting place. The successful candidates were returned their applications whereas the failed one complained, argued, begged for another chance. I got my application back. After everyone was done with their test we were routed to Motor Vehicles office at Beltala. It was 5 mins walk from the Park. Now my long legs & young age came into use. I quickly took top gear & overtook most of them & finished among the top 5 at the office. Well I deliberately left a few people in front of me as I was reluctant to be the first one. At the signal test the first signal which I showed was wrong. 'Oh shit, not this time. This was supposed to be the easy part. I don't want to fail here. God, please save me.' My prayers were heard and God sent his angel. 'So you live in Rajpur?' I heard another voice. Yes' , I replied. 'I also live there' the Angel replied. My Angel was in form of a old person working there who was checking my documents. I started chatting with him & suddenly realized that my test was abruptly over & another person was giving the signal test. But the Blues did not end there. Due to server issue we had to go there the next day for the photograph & signature. Well that's another story.

Hirak Rajar Deshe

'Aha ki durghondho akashe batashe....

Rastar manhole, khola porey  - sishu khele tari pasey...'

Bagha: "Accha Gupi'da. Eta ki Hiroker desh naki Noroker desh? E to bhromon na norokjontrona?"

Gupi:  "Boroi birombona. Chol jai Rajar sobhay. Dekhi okhane ki hoy."

Hirok Rajar Sobha..... 

 Raja: "Bolo monrti ki khobor?"
  

Montri: "Hujur khobor ta besh jobor

             Lok palokera bikkhubddho

             tara daklo je juddho"
  

Raja: "bolo ki ekebare juddho?

          jane na tate Raja hobben kruddho?"
  

Montri "Janei to esob kotha

            tate nei je tader mathabetha

            corruption er dhuo tule

            lok khepacche sobe mile"

Raja: "Bote! tader eto aspordha!!!

          Rajare korche obogga

          ache er ektai dawai"
  

Somobeto konthe: "Mogoj dholai mogoj dholai"
   

Bikhubdho Montri: "ote hobena kono kaaj

                               jonogon seyana, hey moharaaj"

Raja: " Tomar kotha keno sunbo?

           tumi to hey Bikkhubdho

           Janona? eki porinotoi sob andolon

            mostiskho prokkhalon"
  

Bidushok: "apni bhule jacchen ki moharaj, apnara je sobai mudrar epeeth ar opeeth. Corruption er byapare sobai je soman apnara."

Raja: "Eki kotha Bidushok

          chondo mela je aboshok

         bolcho keno kotha bhinno?

         tomar kaaj je sudhu lok hashano"

Bidushok: "ki kori bolun moharaj, apnara nijerai ja sob kando korchen tatei lok hasahashi korche. amake ar sei kaj korte hobe na. Ei nin istofa amar."

Montri: "tumi ekta chamar"

(Bidushok er prosthan)

Raja: "jotosob ajob kotha
         poramorsho dicche britha
         kal jodie hoy  indropoton
         amar shonsar ke thelbe tokhon?
         bidushok ta maha bellik"

Somobeto kontho: "thik thik thik"

Montri:"shanto hon raja moshai
            korchen ki rager mathay?
           nijer mukhe swikar kore?
           bansh nicchen nijer ghare
           daran, ektu matha khatai
           baar kori ekta dawai.

(Montri matha khatano suru korlo.)

Bikkhubdho montri: "ektu amod cholbe naki?
                                sonaona ekta jibonmukhi" (gayok montrir uddeshey)

Kotoi rongo dekhi duniay....
obhai bhai re..
kotoi rongo dekhi duniay

ami jedeek e takai obak bone jai

kul kinara khuje nahi paire...o bhai
Bhalo je se election e haare
Mondo je se singhason e chore
Krisoker e jomi, hoy rahajani
pujipoti, aro dhoni hoy re...

o bhai kotoi rongo dekhi duniay..

Rin er bojha deshe abostha sorboneshe

Kalo taka Swiss Bank moy re...o bhai...
   

Raja: "Thamao akhon , sotyo-bhashon

          chile 'Kobi' korlam montri

           hoye gele je sorojontri!!!

          amar kheye amar porey

          amari diccho khoti kore?

          esob ki kore mana jay?"

Somobeto kontho: "bhari onnay bhari onnay"

Raja: "aj theke tumi nirbashito
           media coverage theke bonchito"

(Matha nichu kore Gayok er prosthan.)

Raja:"joto sob apod amar kopale
          pondit kichudin har jalale
         dilam kore mogoj dholai
         ekhon beta coaching chalay
         ebar elen kon anna
         tini je abar kichue khanna"

Montri:  "bujhi na jonogoner kheyal
              ekjoner anoshone sobai behal
              nakheye morlo koto, holo koto amlasol"

Somobeto kontho: "tokhon to keu koreni hottogol?"

Raja: "ekhon ki hobe upay?
         palabodol je thekano daay"

Bikkhubdho Montri: "Upay bar hoye jabe
                               etar o sei haal korte hobe
                               sob andolon er je haal hoy"

Raja: "Ki se upay ki se upay?"

Montri: "kichu dabi mana holey
             jonogon sob jabe bhule
             tarpor sei purano koushol"

Somobeto kontho: "benojol benojol"

Bagha; "sorbonash kotha je Gupi'da. Era to ei andolon takeo sesh kore debe. Ekbar rajnitir rong lagle ki ar kichu kora jabe?"

 Gupi: "Hoyto kichu kora jabe na. Tobu ekta cheasta to kora holo. Ke bolte pare bhobishot e ki lekha ache.  Totodin je amader lorai chaliye jete hobe."

(Gupi, Bagha r prosthan........)

My Experiments with the four wheels

“A lot can happen over a cup of coffee”. Yes, you are right. Its the tagline of a famous coffee joint. But I was amazed to see how this line will prove to be true for my life. Well not exactly, but little modified. A lot can happen in a tea break.
It was just an ordinary day, same work, same colleagues, same workstation & most importantly the same office. Me, Biswal & Ojha went down to have a cup of tea (the only refreshment in the monotonous software ordeal). The only time we could rest our straining fingers (due to excessive social networking & chats) & see the beauty of this nature (mostly from the office opposite to ours).
Suddenly Biswal told that “Me & Ojha are planning to learn driving & get a license before we leave Kolkata”. They were about to leave Kolkata soon. “We have called a person from the driving school & he will be arriving in any minute” he told. I had always nurtured the dream of driving a Merc or BMW. The main obstacle to it was my lack of driving knowledge (ignoring the fact that neither I own a Merc or BMW nor have the money to own it in future).
“I will learn too.” I told.
He came in a green old maruti 800 , the one model which is obsolete now a days. Since Ojha & Biswal were in a hurry to get the license he told them to get the required docs & photo on that day only. So my dear friends deserted me infront of the office gate & went inside to get the docs.
“We will start with you.” he told. “In the mean time they can get those docs”. “But I was here for a cup of tea only” I mumbled but my words seemed to be unheard by him. “we will start with the theory first & then we’ll start driving”. Have I heard theory? The word theory never sounded so beautiful. “ok” I replied. He asked me to get in the drivers seat & showed me the ABC of the car, the gear box & then the order came. “ok, now you start the car”. “Me? Are you kidding me? Why don’t we do a little more theory, I am good at that. What will happen to me now?” all those questions were pouncing on my head as I started the engine, pressed clutch, shifted to 1st gear, released the gear & finally closed my eyes. “Oh God , Please save me. why on earth did I told those devils that I want to learn driving?” But to my surprise the car kept on moving. My hands were folded in prayer, eyes shut closed in order to avoid the view of the car crashing into something or someone. “What should I do now? should I jump out of that small window or should I yell out for help? ” When I opened my eyes I saw the instructor operating the car. “Thank god they have an extra pair of clutch & brake in that car. Now I feel safe.” The next danger was just over the next turn. The main road. “Shouldn’t we practice in open field first & later hit the road?” I asked but my trainer denounced my suggestion. I could see buses, cars & even cycles & pedestrians overtaking my car as we were driving at a 5km/hr speed on the main road.
In a few classes confidence grew & 5 was changed to 15 to 25 to 30km/hr. Now I was able to overtake the cycles. Meanwhile Biswal & Ojha were taking the lesson too & as expected doing better than me. Every time they will tell me how the drove or what speed they took making me more miserable. “Guys, why me? why you are not picking someone of your own size? If you devils were not there in my life I wouldn’t have been struck here in the first place. Well classes went by, my number of mistakes kept on increasing. Car stopping in the traffic, continuous honking by others made me more & more nervous but still somehow I fought my way out of in those 15 days & got the most important lesson in driving. Its just “how to loose your clutch in five seconds”.
PS: Now I have passed the driving test & on the verge of getting the license. So now you can see how a tea break have changed my life. I just went for a cup of tea & returned with the knowledge of ABC extending to the addition of another photo id to my kitty.

a B-Grade Day..

Just before the dirty mind comes into action let me confirm that this post not regarding the first thing that come to your mind after reading this headline. So if you are disappointed to hear this then please don't read any further.
The B-Grade here is a parade ground for the army, located in Kolkata a place for political meetings & rallies. Now its turn to disappointed the political brains. This post is not at all politically motivated & is an effort to view those days from the eyes of a Common man.
Brigade cholo is a common line for the bengalis. A recent survey showed that its the 3rd common word spoken by bengali people in their  day to day life. (The first & second being shala & #@%^&*@ )
Before knowing their home address each kid gets to learn the address of Brigade parade ground. And this is due to the flurry of rallies held there by the Left-Right & Centre.
 The word Brigade cholo though having different meaning for different people.
For the top level leaders -an acid test , an opportunity to show their strength & to see the opponent party's strength (in terms on the total headcount).
The second , third, other tier leaders- Obey what the high command orders & make sure the attendance is not less than a lakh.
Hardcore supporters- Giving the attendance.
Crowd- Be a part of the Crowd, get entertained, a free meal. You never know that it could be your lucky day- your face being shown on TV. If you get a chance to give a bite(though 90% of those are fixed beforehand) - then it could be the most memorable day in your life.
Common man- Traffic jam, packed bus-trains or a holiday.
Now as you are aware of the topic lets discuss how I felt in the latest Brigade cholo day.
Since I am fortunate enough to live in the urban area &  sensible enough to let go an opportunity of a free meal & sight seeing, I try to stay away from this area as far as possible. But it would be unfair to say that the thrill of riding an overcrowded matadoor or the  fun of being in the crowd of thousands never crossed my imagination. But the responsibility of being The Common Man made me abstain these Funs of life.
Coming back to the topic , it was called by the ruling party & was a sahid dibos as well as a bijoy dibos for them. (though both of the days had no connection with one another). But it was different. A total change from the earlier Brigades. There was song (not gonosangeet), dance , performance alowgwith the regular schedule of boktrita & gurubondona (I will come to it later). It was Shatabdi & Debashree dancing in the rain but not to the usual tune or usual manner in which we have seen them before. The tollywood hero Dev made a special appearance & his act was unusual too. He started singing(in a pathetic voice) Paglu , thora sa karle romance.!!!  The rainy weather was perfect for romancing but the ambiance was not. Well , I think he was not aware of the event properly or else he could have sung dadu (read dada here) gelo chomke. 
But our veteran actors & new born politicians were not that dumb. Mr Tapas Pal sung  ay amar guru-dokkhina, guru ke janai pronam (we can ignore the gender error here). Well he should really thank the Supremo for reviving his acting career as well as giving him an alternate career.
Mr Chiranjeet did Sudhu Tomar Bani Noy Hey Bandhu Hey Priyo. Majhe Majhe Prane Tomar Paros Khani Diyo . Now please ignore my dirty mind if the word porosh bears more than one meaning for me. Mr Mullik too was present but I think the crowd would have been happier to see her daughter instead. One thing which impressed me the most is that the CM let the entertainment part in the hand of professionals this time & she herself stayed away from any such acts. Well, till this part I was referring to Star Anondo. Now as I came to 24 Ghonta it was the Lords test (100th between India & England , 2000 in overall history of cricket). The 24 Ghonta channel were more focused in international matter rather than petty local politics (no pun intended).
This is a snapshot of what happened in the two channels during that day.
12PM :
Star Anondo- Bristi upekkha kore brigade e jono jowar. Kolkata police shustho bhabe Traffic niyontron korche. Jan cholachol shabhabhik.
24Ghonta- Brigader chape sohorer nabhishah. Jan cholachol stobdho.
1 PM:
Star Anondo- Katare katare manush Brigade mukhi. Manusher utsaher samne bristi o har mene gelo.
 24Ghonta- Aj Lords test suru hocche.
2 PM:
Star Anondo- Apnara dekhchen Brigade er chobi sorasori star anonde.
 24Ghonta- Dhoni toss jitey fielding nilen. Oitihashik test suru hote ar kichukhon.
3 PM: 
 Star Anondo- Aj ek Oitihashik muhurter sahhki hoye roilo ei Brigade. Mukkho montri tar Sombhabbho kormosuchi janlen. Agami dos bochor chup kore dekhun - bollen tini.
  24Ghonta- Yuvraj singh baad ar tar jaygay Raina r antorbhukti Sombhabbho bharotiyo ekadosh e.
5 PM: 
Star Anondo- Sobha sesh e mukkhomontrir ahobhane safai kaj suru. Kalker moddhe Brigade purano chehar phire pacche, janalen tini.
 24Ghonta-  Eta ki manuser Brigade na aborjonar brigade?? Bisesh protbedon sondhey 7 tay.

---from the eyes of a Common Man---

GONODHOLAI

Gonodholai: According to the latest addition in oxford dictionary “Its a sort of group activity/ adventure sports for normal people (Aam aadmi) in which their primal instinct gets a boost ”
It can be found everywhere around the world (by different names off course)and also in some species of primates (Chimpanzees, Monkeys & some others representing our ancestors).
Let us first know what is gonodholai & how it is performed…. In India its mainly found in the eastern regions (West Bengal & surroundings) where a particular form of ‘One to Many’ relationship can be seen. Here One is the recipient and Many are the donors. The One gets thrashed by the Many in many different ways .Please note : here each individual of the Many community has his/her particular ways of delivery & no two ways will match each other(its a scientifically proven fact). The One may sometimes try to protest but in the course of time he/she will submit to the flow & cooperate accordingly. His/ her last act in most cases is to have a good day (sometimes night too) sleep lasting from hours up-to eternity. The police & hospital & burning ghats do play an important part in this process (mostly after the whole act is over though sometimes the police becomes a part of Many in places like UP , Bihar ect but in Kolkata they remain mostly as a spectator).
Lets see who are the people in One community: It can be anyone like petty thieves, pick pockets, ’suspected’ terrorists , eve teasers, kidnappers, doctors , teachers ,ration dealers or it can be you & me too in our lucky days….
The Many can be any one like other petty thieves, pick pockets, ’suspected’ terrorists , eve teasers, kidnappers, doctors , teachers ,ration dealers or it can be you & me too in our lucky days. 
Lets get into business & list the advantages of this gonodholai.
1) Its an adventure sports for the bengalis , or rather the only adventure sports if you take out hanging from bus/ local trains.
2) The second most source of entertainment , first being watching zero hour in doordarshan.
3) Its the only way the bengalis can shed their soft image & show the world that they are man too.
4) One of the main source of venting our frustrations & anger. Any normal bong (beaten by wife, thrashed by boss, cheated by grocer & robbed by the local club for puja’r chanda) can feel like superman while involved in a gonodholi.
5) The female population are not only left as cheerleaders & they too actively participate in this sports , their means includes using of sandals. broom, belan or fingernails or tearing off cloths or pulling the hair or excessive screaming in front of the ear resulting in temporary or permanent loss of hearing. So its another way to show that the fairer sex can do what the stronger sex does.
6) It builds a team spirit among the Many as they forget all their important personal issues & work side by side. So it can be used as a medium for promoting national harmony.
7) Not only the Many but the One is also benefited by this act. He gets body massage, sometimes hair cut (with Ghol added as a hair pack) & facial (by shoe polish) & most importantly a medical checkup absolutely free. He can learn unknown facts about his birth & family during this act & also gets some new names too.
This list can continue further but lets end this topic here by asking my dear friends to please participate generously in this act (whenever you get a chance).

The CUP of LIFE…

Anhoni ko honi karde Honi ko anhoni Ek jaga jab jama ho teeno Rajni, Ghajni aur Dhoni.
One deadly trio indeed. Mr Ghajni with a brand new mustache, Rajni , bald black completely different from the South movies & Dhoni , a confident , calm, but determined warrior. End result- We won the World cup 2011.
but was it that much simple?
Well let me recollect the world cup memories & incidents. sure it was far more exiting & melodramatic.
Opening Ceremony: It was held at Bangladesh & was the same old cliche type ceremony with the only highlight being the captains entering the stadium riding on a RICKSHAW. (Hope roads in Bangladesh were better than what we have here & the captains did not have a bumpy ride.) Well, the cup proved to be a bumpy ride for some of them, Strauss & Ponting amongst the few.
Opening Match: It was India vs Bangladesh, the Giants vs the Giant killers (hope you have not forgot last wc). Our openers made sure that nothing of that sort happened in that match & India had a comfortable win (with some minor hiccups in the bowling & fielding dept). Shewag scored a wonderful century & that was the end of Shewag performance for this WC. There were a few Sparks here & there in the later matches but nothing thats can be called a Shewag like innings.
The Great TIE: ICC should award a special Trophy to the England team for making the 50 over format interesting. All of their matches were exiting,nail-biting & not for people with weak hearts. This was nothing different, perhaps the most exiting of all. It started with the 98th international ton of the master followed by a collapse after his departure. It reminded us of the old times (during Azhar’s captaincy) when India’s win or loss was determined by the Master’s performance & rest of the team playing role of extras. Strauss countered with a 150 but due to some fine death bowling by the Indians & some sloppy ones from likes of Chawla & Nehra we had a tie.
People started questioning about the inclusion if Chawla in the team & even doubted if there was some Dostana between Mahi & Chawla.
Ireland Match: India was supposed to win the match & they did win. Ireland though defeating England in the previous match could not do anything special in this match. The highlight was the Birth of All rounder Yuvraj (a fifer & a fifty).
The All Rounder off the field started performing on the field too.
Netherland match: Same result as the Ireland match. While the Master did not bother to perform against these Minnows Yuvi was busy in Grabbing the MoM awards for his kitty.
SA match: Another big match & 99th century for the master. After he departs Sten gunned down others to restrict India below 300. Another nail-biter but the host lost it.
This match gave birth to the line “Behind every successful batsman there is a Kamran Akmal & in front of every successful batsman there is a Ashish Nehra ”
WI match: With the team already in the quarters it was just a matter of deciding the order in which the teams will finish. Yuvi bagged another MoM & suddenly the bowling started looking formidable. India finished 2nd & faced Australia in quarters.
People thought loosing this match would have been much better option as facing Australia so early was risky for our team.
Revenge of 2003 : Finals: Revenge never tasted so sweet. At last the it was sure that Australia wont win this time. Ponting made a serious effort to extend his cricketing life & scored a century but Indians demolished all his hopes.
Latest news being he is out of the captaincy & waiting for his pink slip from the team.
Mother of all Matches: India vs Pak it was in the semis. Everyone was expecting Sachin’s 100th ton in this match & it seemed that Pakistan was eager for it too. In order to be a part of such an historical moment they dropped 4 sitters of the Master. But the Master found that derogatory & at last ended his torturous batting display (most unlikely of him).
One interesting comment made here was “Sachin should walk off if Pak misses another catch”. India finished at 260 thanks to Raina for a cool head. His inclusion in the team changed the attitude in the field. India was saving 20-30 runs in the field. The bowlers did a superb job & Nehra proved his worth by a good display of bowling & 260 was more than enough in the end. Misbah did the role of a tragic hero in this match.(Same as first T20 wc final)
The Nehra jokes stopped from that day.
Haawa chal gayi zoron ki
Maar di humne Goron ki
Phir bari thi Haram khoron ki
Aur aj bari hain Sita ke choron ki……..
The Grand Finale: The stage was set , the two best team against each other, everyone except Poonam Pandey’s parents were Bleeding Blue on that day. The born cheaters Lankans started cheating from the toss & Sanga made sure that he was on the winning side of the toss.(That was the only win for Lanka on that day)
Zaheer started with a dream spell to restrict the openers. Mahela ended with a great Ton.
Now everyone was expecting Sachin’s reply. But it was anti climax in the 1st over itself. Shewag out. Sachin showed his brilliance but Malinga proved to be better on that day.
Hopes started diminishing but the young team India fought back. First it was Virat & Gambhir. Then Dhoni joined the party. The best move of this world cup. Everybody knew Yuvi’s weakness against Murli so Dhoni stepped in & after Gambhir left his century on the ground he & Yuvi finished it off. The last hit , a SIX from the Captain. A perfect ending to the match.
Post match there was the victory lap in which team India carried Sachin in place of the trophy. The comment from Virat showed the emotions & respect for the Master “He(Sachin) has been carrying the whole nation on his shoulder for 21 years. Today it is our turn to carry him.”
Munaf missed the victory lap & Poonam got absconded from that day. Mahi shaved his head & still Poonam is missing.

A day to remember

At last I got a job… That was what my first reaction after seeing the SSC results.
My long time dream of teaching, of being a mentor, of doing something good for the society and most importantly of being employed was coming true. But this feeling was short lived. 50% of it broke as soon as I saw my posting at Jaynagar, a place in south 24 pgs , a little over 80 kms from my home & 4 hours of journey(is stretched to 7 hours on one lucky day). The good work of breaking the other half of my hopes were a combined effort of my students, my fellow colleagues, my place of living, & the mosquitoes (some of them as big as jet plane), snakes , bugs ,cockroaches living with me.
The only shinning part of this rather gloomy life was the salary. It was good (far beyond my expectations) & my only motivation for continuing with this job..
Oho… let me introduce myself. I am Mr X , a MSc in physics from one of the most reputed institutes of this country(its the IIT …for those who cannot figure out what I am referring to), a short (most of my students were taller than me), soft spoken , city guy.
Enough with the introduction part ,lets get into business.
One fine morning I got this ‘Good’ news that I was one of the teachers selected for doing census in that area. And I was the Lucky one because I don’t have an ailing wife at home or children’s exam or marriage of my brother/sister in laws(in our country this is much more important than census). My recent tiff with the head master proved to be the cherry on the top. So I sacrificed the dream of enjoying my summer vacations at home & devoted myself to this ‘Noble’ (referred by the headmaster) work.
On that saturday I left home with a few of my Noble crusaders in for collecting the data from a village called radhanagar.
The first house in which we went was a concrete one, made up of bricks & a asbestos ceiling (one of the few in that area). I collected all the required information’s & then got some strange request from the owner. He wanted to include his name in the BPL community so that he can enjoy some benefits. I told him that it does not looks that he belongs to BPL & I cannot include his name there. So his next request came. It was more shocking than the first one. He wanted to include his fathers name in the BPL list. He showed me the cattle shed & advised me to give that as his fathers residence in the form. His father must be so proud of him after hearing this.
On the fifth house I saw another son who will make their parents proud. When I asked about his fathers name he replied that he does not know that (also his mothers name too) but his elder brother living a few village apart might be able to tell. My colleague suggested to give any arbitrary name there as according to him “who the hell is bothered about what we write in the form”. He wend one step further & suggested the name to be Rizwan Khan, the name of the hero of a movie he recently went to see on his last sick leave. According to him watching ‘Saarook khan’s ‘ movie on the first day was far more important than taking maths classes. Adding to my surprise that man too agreed to make Rizwan khan his father. Well if he is happy with his ‘new’ father the government will not interfere.
In another house a man in his late fifties told his age to be 35 , his wife age as 27 with the elder son of age 21. I told him this is not biologically possible so he negotiated his age to 40, wife’s to 33 & his elder son was reduced by 5 years. We were okey with this as it is feasible both biologically & mathematically.
As one should save the best for the last this was the best incident of that day. An eye opener for our government.
In one of the houses a man had 2 wives & both of them were living ‘peacefully’(that what he informed us). So he wanted to include both their names as his wife. As being partial to anyone of them can cause the ‘peace’ of his house to break in pieces. But our form neither had 2 columns for wife’s name & nor any one of his wives was ready to part with her share of him. After hearing another round of slangs from both of his wives we assured them that we will ask the government to make a special form where multiple options for wives/ husbands name should be present(our government should take this matter seriously).
After that day’s work was over I returned to my house with an enriched vocabulary, a few experiences of lifetime, an injured knee (I slipped a couple of times) & a few threats (2 of them were death threats, 5 of breaking all the bones, 15-20 of breaking some body part or the other).
This was a learning experience for me. Learning in all respect as I added many new words to my vocabulary, slangs, mostly spoken to us during our vigil (most of the people had some sort of strange fear about what we were doing). I was surprised to see their talent in finding new abusive words & ashamed of my ignorance(our education ministry should start a course on this for idiots like me). This was an eye opener for me (& ear opener too).
(Based on the experiences of one of my friend & the ‘writer’s imagination’)

KGP KA TEMPO HIGH HAIN-4

Calculators- One too many

Cheating is not a new word in the IIT, rather to find someone who never cheated was something rare. People cheated in the exams, in the practicals, in seminars, well almost everywhere. As proclaimed before I was a god boy (still no pun intended), so I kept away from these cheating practices. Rather than cheating, mugging up was a better option for me. I figured out that the time & effort spent in creating those micro cheats was much more than mugging up the topic. But that doesn’t mean that I was unaware of the methods. I even helped my friends in finding new ways to cheat. Just see the honesty my friends. This incident is regarding Baccha who got caught while cheating in the exams(probably the only one in our department till date) & the after effects.
Physics is a tough subjects & tougher is the formulas & equations which we had to memorize. Baccha tried to follow the ‘Honesty is best policy’ in the first Sem but the grades were disastrous. So the guy got deviated from the honesty path & the person who taught him how to cheat was yours truly. Since we had calculators allowed during exams is was pretty easy to write the unmemorizables in the calculator with a pencil. Safe & reusable way. Bur our Baccha was not a professional & got caught in the 3rd sem. It was a tough paper & baccha needed to score well. In this pressure situation & with over enthusiasm Baccha brought 3 calculators to the exam hall. 2 borrowed from friends. But it was a bad day. The bad lights made the Myopic Baccha move those calculators in peculiar fashions infront of his eyes so as to get a good view of the things written. Firstly the multiple calculators & then the calculator dance made the invigilator suspicious. He came & saw this new use of calculators. The invigilator was a PhD scholar & mostly in such cases they either ignore these things or take away the cheats(here the 3 calculators). But this guy was new to this job & took this job very seriously. He reported this to the professor who to the HoD. Now Baccha was doing project under the HoD & he had to take actions against baccha in order to avoid charges of nepotism. Baccha was in deep shit.
After this his exam was cancelled & the verdict drawn was that he has to take that exam the next year resulting in a year loss for him. The authority seemed very strict in this case. They seemed to be disgusted with Baccha. “In two years this guy could not learn how to cheat properly. he need one more year in the IIT to strengthen his fundamentals”, they thought. But this incident brought one different face of our batch, the unified face. First strike was on the subject teacher. He was a south Indian guy. As as every other south Indian he too was timid , soft spoken & easily afraid. So we narrated different incidents of suicides committed by the students & the possible repercussions faced by the concerned authority. He agreed to give Baccha a second chance. Next was the HoD. A strict north Indian (The Kharoos type). So the previous approach was not applied here but we started joint petitions ,agitations, request & soft threats. It worked after a few days & Baccha was allowed to give that exam in next Sem. Now lastly it was the research scholar who according to us was the main culprit. We started Ghandhigiri that is non cooperation with him. He was boycotted in the dinning place, at labs & even no one went to him for lab viva. So the last Sem was pretty miserable for this guy.
P.S. After that incident both the HoD & the subject teacher took extra care of Baccha. They ensured that Baccha passed that exam in the last Sem.

KGP ka Tempo high hain-3

A Proxy Chat
My formal introduction to the internet & the social networking sites && Chatting happened at KGP only. 24hour free internet!!! Whao what else could desolated souls like us wish for.
I got my first taste of Orkut then & got addicted to it in no time. It was not only the long lost friends which attracted us but the girls there (online friends) whom we never met in past or do not have a chance to meet in future were the cherry on the top.
From my college me & another guy were in our batch. The incredible PD, a smart (little over the line in some cases) , handsome (in his own view) cool dude & most importantly a selp proclaimed Big flirt. He was a big-time flirt since the college days. His antics & attitude infront of the girls made him a sort of God of Flirting in our group. Now since I was also from the same college I was also considered as a Flirt though not of that stature as PD. You see I was really a good boy before (no pun intended here) but became a flirt not by choice but by misconception. ‘Guys from the same college have similar characteristic.’
Since I already got the stamp of a mediocre flirt without any hardwork at all it was time for becoming a pro. My aim was simple. ‘Follow the expert’ is what I started to do & this started bearing fruits pretty quickly.
One incident which I can remember was my first gtalk chat. I did my first online chat not with my id but with PD’s id & the girl could not realize that. Well, she was a junior from our college whom me & PD added to Orkut. Her name, well what was it? let me think..
may be Munni might be Shiela or anything…We added so many girls that it was not possible to keep the track of their names.
Our rules were simple. (The rulebook of Flirting)
Number one: to introduce ourselves as the IITans & future Physicist. Girls get thrilled by such words.
Next we would make her realize that Physics Students of IIT are also human like them & eat 4 meals per day, sleep 8 hours & are not immune to nature calls. It was pretty surprising how these dumb girls believed that people in IIT are geeks who study’s 26 hours daily. When they realize that IITans are also human like them the battle is half won. Now as they relish their big discovery we make our moves.
Next is Sense of Humor. We usually had a few good lines which we used everywhere, it was just a matter of directing the conversation to that path where our senses of Humor can take over from.
Sometimes a little bit of silly arguments did the trick.(This tricks do work on dumb girls only, so guys please make sure the girl on the other side is dumb enough to eat the bait).
Since I was a fast learner I grabbed these trick of the trade very quickly. And soon me & PD were flirting with same girls sharing notes & sometimes even competing for prizes like Icecream or coffee treats.
This girl whom I referred before was nothing different. It seemed that she was thrilled to have two IItans in her friendlist who were constantly flirting with her & trying to impress her. Now one day I went to Lodu’s room where I found an empty computer with the Gtalk logged in with PD’s id. She pinged. I responded as PD. We started conversing. I found out that mine & PD’s way of chatting were similar (might be because we were from the same college). We used that later in situations when me giving proxy for PD as well as PD chatting on my behalf. After 2 hours that chat ended.
Later PD found out from his chat history that he had a 1000+ lines of conversation with that girl while he was taking his afternoon nap. I was not that much conversant with gmail that time so forgot to delete the chat history. It did not take much time for PD to figure out that it was me & from then I started chatting with that girl from my own id. So it started from that day, competition in the more lines of chatting with her & exaggerated discussions about our achievements at the end of the day till that day the girl vanished from Social networking.

KGP ka Tempo high hain….2

Rum-Ion (ramayan) Saga

I was not a part of this saga. But came to know about it from different sources & using my creative imagination penning down the story. Story of our Ion aka Lodu. As his name shows Lodu was/is/will be always full of load (mostly unnecessary) & with a face like he suffering from the worst case of acute constipation. A Presi Graduate, SFI comrade, a computer geek, & a few pounds of extra fat.
One sunday after returning from home I found out that something had happened. Kamal told “hey do you know what Lodu had done yesterday?” . “No” I replied.
“How come I would know what happened out here when I was 150 kms away @ home? ” I thought & asked him “hey what happened? .”
“Ask him what he did yesterday? There he is coming now. Go and ask.” Kamal said.
I did exactly what Kamal told to do but got a serious look & later a smile which looked more a grin from Lodu. “It’s not the right time to ask this sort of question” I thought & so went to my most reliable informer in the hostel , Baccha.
Baccha was doing quantum mechanics assignment when I entered his room. “What’s the matter with Lodu? Why he is looking so depressed(a few extra degrees more than usual)? What happened?”
Then Baccha told me this.(later verified from other sources too).
Yesterday there was ‘Daroo Party’ as usual in the hostel & this time it was decided that Vodka has become too much repetitive & now its time for change. Change to Rum(a man’s drink). So the old monk was called for to join the party.
As for most of them it was the first exposure they decided to play safe. Well, almost everyone except Lodu. Don’t know what went in his mind as he decided to take his pegs count to a new height on that day. May be he wanted to prove how much a man he is or may be the “free” drink intensified his thirst. The after effect was literally catastrophic.
After 3 pegs Lodu started to announce his love for Prateek in front of the whole hostel(it was the first act of such kind, so everyone watched that eagerly). Prateek who was not that much drunk could not reciprocate the same love for Lodu. Rather than holding Lodu into his arms & giving him a kiss which everyone suggested , he decided to go to the safest place at that time, his hostel room. But Lodu was determined , nothing can stop him on that day. So after 2-3 more pegs he decided now its time, time to rescue his love from W1-205 (the dungeon) & rode back to E2-312 (his castle). Next was the search for his noble steed. But luck was not on his side on that day. He searched & searched in the cycle stand but his noble steed(2nd hand or may be a few hands more bought for Rs 500) did not turn up.
So Lodu decided to cover that distance on foot & in order to minimize the wait of his beloved he started to run.
But as we have seen in hindi movies , true love has many roadblocks , here too lodu faced one such roadblock. It came in form of a brick lying in the hostel lawn. He tumbled over it & fell down on the lawn. But no one came to his rescue (they were afraid as helping Lodu might trigger some sort of dormant love for them in Lodu’s heart). Prateek too did not show up. So Lodu decided to take a few minutes nap out there (love can be so tiring sometimes). After a short nap of 30 minutes lodu again woke up. But neither he could not find any living creature near his range nor the way to Prateek’s room, so he decided to express his emotions to a hostel pillar (I later wend to see the poor pillar). He clung to the pillar & uttered these two lines a few thousand times at least before deciding to spend the rest of the night out there beside it . “Prateek, please don’t leave me.” “I cannot live without you“.
The poor hostel pillar which could not run away since it was doing his duty of supporting the roof, stayed there & listened patiently to Lodu till he was exhausted.
That day everyone came to know another side of Lodu, the soft, the romantic, the brave prince & finally the heart broken one.
Rum surely had a deep impact on Ion creating the saga of a lifetime. I call it the Rum-Ion (pronounced as ramayan) Saga.

KGP ka Tempo high hain….1

Joke of the day
First of all why this sort of name to it? Just to show how lively & fun this campus was. Being in the IIT , with some of the top brains of this country, lots of exams, assignments & CGPA’s ,SGPA’s ,study & more studies. Our life was not confined to just this only. It was night outs, party at chedis @ 3 in the morning, whole night carrom tournament with the looser paying the coffee bill(needed for staying awake), ‘Bondhur dokan’(a place to quench our thirst of rum,vodka & etc etc),” Boudir hotel”(cheapest food), LAN & DC (you name it & its available ,thanks to torrent) & the list will go on and on and on……
Ragging (Defn-a form of abuse on newcomers to educational institutions) is something which can have chills down the spine of every fresher .Since I did not have much past experience on this (in college 10-15 seniors came to rag a mere 100 freshers or more. So I thought they were more nervous than us & thus nothing considerable happened) , I was nervous, tensed & was literally cursing my parents for sending me there.
Like all engineering colleges the IIT’s were no different.
Here mostly the 2nd year BTech students were ragged coz in the 1st year all the freshers are kept in separate hostel (far away from the clutches of their seniors), but what about MSc people???
Later I came to know that MSc students(old people) did not have any eligible seniors to rag them. Our 2nd year MSc & PhD scholars (older people) were so much ragged by their project & research guide’s respectively that at the end of the day they did not have energy or enthusiasm to rag someone else.
But this was compensated by our ever enthusiastic teachers. Hey hey, pause, one second. Don’t imagine that they will be coming to our hostels & ask us to do a striptease or become superman (running in front of girls hostel with undergarments worn over the cloths). They had something which was much lethal than all of these. The Father of all ragging, the “Grand Viva”. It was a horrible experience which every student had to undergo before getting the release letter(the degree). A 30 minutes of torture sometimes getting extended to an hour where a student will be facing a pack of teachers ready with their arms & ammunition (the questions which we never imagined could be asked or which never came to our minds during the past 2 years of study). Don’t think they did all these alone but had accomplice known as “externals”. Here once the students enters the room (a seminar hall with the AC temperature lower than usual to intensify the chilling atmosphere) he will be asked what is his favorite topic. This is the first trap. If one says any topic then he will get the toughest questions one can imagine & failing to answer those will induce comments like ‘hey you can’t even answer the questions on your favorite topic, how can you answer the rest?‘
The scene was something like a poor sheep(the student) in front of a pack of wolves(teachers & external) ready to pounce on it or a lamb infront of the butchers knife.
But this don’t come to us as a shock since we get immuned /vaccinated to this torture by frequent doses of similar torture known as project viva, practical viva, seminars throughout the course.
Our first exposure to this came in the form of something termed as “introduction”. It took place just after we joined the institute. We were all taken to the Vikramshila seminar room. The audience comprising of professors , head dep , research scholars & MSc scholars and us(bakra of the day). One by one each of us would have to go to the stage ,introduce ourselves & clear all the doubts & questions coming from the audience after hearing our intro. At that day we came to know many facts such as Partha can sing rabindrasangeet in female voice(later we learnt that it was his original voice), kakima’s favorite food is “mayer hat er simui er payesh”, prateek wants to fly high other than doing his usual work (flirting), the extent to which Bodha can make a fool of himself ect ect ect….
It was my turn after sometime. Having watched most of them perform I decided that I will not make a fool of myself out there. Went on the stage , started answering confidently till that question came, “What is your hobby?” .Sounds harmless isin’t it? But…. well lets see what happens.
“reading & listening to music” I replied (the best answer I can think at that time)
“Ok then sing something” next question.
‘hey dude I told listing to music not singing‘ I thought but replied that “I am basically a bathroom singer & this ambiance is not suitable for me to sing”
“You physics guys should have strong imagination. Imagine this as a bathroom & sing” SB replied.
So I started visualizing & after a few mins sang a kishore number. But the reaction was not what I expected. I know that I am not Kishore Kumar but had this confidence that I can sing in tune. So seeing the audience starting to laugh was something what I least expected. They had listen patiently to some horrible songs sung by my friends before & clapped too at the end. ‘why should I be discriminated, this is unfair?’ I thought.
While coming back to my seat Momi(the show host) commented “nice joke“. ‘JOKE !!!! , is she mad? ‘ I thought.
Later came to know that while I was visualizing for my song impatient SB already shooted his next question which was “Ok ,then tell a joke.”
Everybody except me had heard that.
Now that’s what I call a “joke of the day”.

Osama marilen Obama

Ei prithibite duiti bisesh jati bash koria thake. Prothomjon Osama somproday-bhukto, jahara onner poschatdeshe kathi koria biseshrupe amod labh koria thaken ar dwitiyo Obama somprodayer jaharao Kathi koria amod labh koren kintoo kathi khaiya telebegune joliya othen ar baansh niya Kathikarir pocchatdeshe aghat koria thaken.
Ehara eke oporer poschate somantale kathi koria thaken, sudhu bisesh bisesh khetre kathir akar bodol hoiya jay.
Ei duiti jati purbe eki gosthibhukto chilo jahar naam Samrajjobaadi gosthi. Pore tahara bibhajito hoiya Moulobaad(Osama gosthi) ebong Dadagiribaad (Obama gosthi) pontha obolombon koren.
Osama bin laden emon ekti poribare jonmoghohon koriachilen jekhane orther prachurjo ar sei orther uttoradhikaridero bahullo bortoman chilo. Tinio tahar pitar podanko anusoron koriyachilen ebong tahar nijo ourosjato sontander ekti bishal bahini banaiya pheliyachilen. Ehao sona jay je tahar sontansonkkha gonona koribar jonno tini ek hisabrokkhok ke nijukto koriachilen. Adhuna afganisthan e “Laden er baccha” sobdoti galagali rupe abhihito na hoiya ekti bishsh bongsho ke bojaay karon 10 er moddhe 3 jon afghan e kono na kono sutre laden-eri sontan. Ei mohot karjoti somponno koribar jonno tahake bohu baar panigrohono korite hoiyachilo. Lekhoker onumaan je bohu daar proribrito Osamar sangsarik jibon kodapi shantimoy chilo na ebong ehai tahar Prithibir shanti binosto karje noyojito howar onnotomo karon.
Joubone tini moulobaad, bibad, Islamabaad probhiti nanarokom borjonkari sikkhay sikkhito hoiyachilen jahar pholsworup tini manobikota ke sompurnorupe borjon koria phelen.
Tahar Kathi koribar asamanya protibha dekhiya totkalin Obama gosthi tahake purber Sammyobadider poschatdeshe kathi koroner jonno nanabidho kathi diya sahajjyo koria chilen. Kintoo ehao sothik je manushyer sobhab amrittyukal poriborton hoy na, tai Sammobadider kathikarjyer seshe Osama Samrajjyobadider kathikarje lipto hoilen. Obama gosthi tokhon anudhabon korite parilo je khal katia kumir anoyon kahake bole. Kathi kriyay amod paiya Osama tahar probhukei kathi suru koria dilen jahar bisesh udhahoron 11e september er aghath.
Obama gosthir etotkaler somosto bayobik dombho sei agath e churno hoiya gelo ar tahader nischridro nirapottar jaha chidropoth chilo tahao prokashito hoiya uthilo. Tahar phol manabjatir pokkhe sukhokor hoilo na. Obamara Afghan deshtike shoshan e porinoto koriya phelilen.
Sei somay dari dekhiley jongi boliya sondeho kora suru hoilo pashcchato deshe. Ehar phole lokjon tahader bohu botsorer sompod shosru-gumpho tyag korite baddho hoiyachilen tobe Khourokar somproday probhuto labhobaan hoiyachilo.
Aboseshe dos botshor ar bohu orthobayer por Obama mohashoy Osama mohasoy ke somudre bishorjon koria dilen. Bishorjan kale dhak badyo ba topoddhoni hoiyachilo kina tahar kono songbaad lekhoker kache nai tobe Obama mohasoyeder hridpinder anondodhoni sara bisshobashi shrobon koriachilo.
Ekhon sudhu ehari oppekha je kokhon Osama mohasoy notun rupe ponurabirbhuto hoiben ar Obama mahasoyer sathe Kathi-kathi khelay lipto hoiben. Karon ‘Sa’ ar ‘Ba’ er moddhe je bishesh kono parthokko nai, ar tahara je mudrar dui pristho seta etodine manush bujhiya uthiyachen. Poriseshe ehai bolibo je O”Ba”ma-der asttito rokkharthe O’Sa’ma-ra biseshrupe proyojonio.

Ekti ‘Begunir’ attokotha

Ami Beguni, mor kahini,
korchi aj bornon.
Dukkher kotha, buker byatha,
sono mon diye jnogon.
Nahi kono gun, kopale agun
sokoler chokher beesh.
Kopal mondo, ghamer ghondho,
bohudur e mor office
Phele nana tope, merechilem kope
phelechi bohu jaal
Uthlona kaka, joley gelo taka
emoni pora kopal
Telebhaja ami, nischoi jani
moner kone tobu
Iccha supto, Indro-lupto
Sanai sunbo kobhu.
Dinar seshe, Madhur heshe
korechi bohu mitali
Shraboni dhara, pogar para
Smita hashyo gitali
Sorkari taka, baiker chaka
sopno bhongo nirjhor
jayga khali, pelei tuli
ami Eligible Bachelor
Khai khai sob, bondhu bandhob
ache besh kichu sores
thang dhore tana, ghartike bhanga
buker bathay Iodex
tobu rekho mone, khone kukkhone
lagbe amake jani
ei je bonge, chayer songe
muri telebhaja Beguni

Cross connection

“Hello, Sorbonash hoye gache”
“Jani, sorbonash howar porei lokjon amake phone kore. Apnara jodie agey theke ektu sabhdhanota abolombon korten tahole ekhon pochtate hoto na.”
“Ami to jothestho sabhdhan chilam, sokal sokale mukh dhuye snan kore gechilam, tao dekhi hoye gelo.”
“Are moshai, snan kore mukh dhuye ki ar eta atkano jay? Apnara je kobe eta bujhben jani na.”
“Ar koto sokal e jabo bolun to? Mone hoy ota kal raatei hoye gache.”
“Aj sokal abar kal raateo!! paren bote apnara.”
“Ki korbo bolun, daitto bole to ekta byapar ache, ar aj to office chuti kore diyeche, tai ar na kore thaki ki kore bolun?”
“Office o chuti ar apnarao ready. Thak ebar bolun kokhon ter pelen byaparta.”
“Aj sokale gelam, bollo hobe na phire jan. Tokhoni to janlam. tarpor okhaner ekjon apnar number ta dilo, bollo apnar kache complain korte.”
“Complain kore ar ki hobe, ja howar ta to hoyei giyeche. Ta jothajoto protection ki chilo na?”
“Haa, Police, homeguard sobai to chilo. Protection to bhaloi chilo.”
“Arey police diye ki ar esob atkano jay? Apnara je kobe sikkhito hoben?”
“Dekhun moshai, shikkha niye khota deben na. Janen ami Calcutta university theke MA korechi.”
“Ta seta kore ki hati ghora merechen? Apnar somossha ar kono mute mojdur er somosshar moddhe ki kono parthokko ache naki?”
“Hmm, thik e bolechen. ki kore je eta hoye galo. Accha ami ki thanay ekta F.I.R korbo?”
“Thana noy, thanay giye ki korben? Apni kono doctor er kache jaan. Amader kache sorkari haspatal er naam thikana ache. Apnake dicchi segulo. Sekhan theke binamulley chikitsha korate parben apni.”
“Doctor????!!!! Apni ki pagol hoyechen. Ekhane Doctor ki korbe?”
“Apnar chikitsa korbe, apnar rogta jate ar anno karo moddhe sonkromito na hoy tar byabostha korbe.”
“Amar abar ki rog holo, e rog to sara dehser, amader political system er rog eta”
“Apnara bangalira na moshai sob bishoye politics ke jurete bhalobashen. Bhool korlen apni, AIDS holo apnar ta ete politics kotha theke elo?”
“AIDS!!!!!?????@@@@####. Ki jata bolchen? Vote na dite parle abar AIDS hoy naki?”
“Vote? Arey ei roger sathe vote er kono jogajog nei. Apni nirbhoye vote dite jete paren. Sudhu…..”
“Vote dite jete paren.Bollei holo. Setai to gelam ar giye dekhi amar vote ta keu agei diye diyeche. Sokal sokal giyeo kono labh holo na. salara sure kal raatei kommota sere rekheche. Okaner ekjon apnar number dilo tai apnake phone korlam.”
“Vote dite parlen na ar BULA di ke phone korle boshlen? Ekhane BULAdi ki korte pare?”
“BULAdi???? Moreche apni ANONDO babu non?”
“Na eta BULAdir number.”
“Sorry Didi mane Bula didi, ora amake ei number tai diyeche. Amar kono dosh nei ete.”
“Thik ache, tobe mone rakhben , erpor theke phone korun ba onnokichu, sabhdhanota sobsomay bojay rakhben. Dhonnyobad.”

One such office party

Office parties are events happening once in a blue moon. Here we are served FREE food, free DRINKS & above all Free ENTERTAINMENT(after few pegs). The simple person sitting next to your cubicle can act like superman (or in cases Veeru of sholay, munni of dabang etc etc etc)after a few pegs. Here goes one such day, one such party, one such experience. Since I always have the liberty of stepping into others shoes, I will do that in this case too & get into the shoe of one of my colleague.
Office life never seemed so enjoyable. I was serving my honeymoon period (aka notice period) in the office. All I wanted was to make those 90 days the most memorable & enjoyable time in this tenure. So when I got to know about this party (drinks) there was no second thoughts for me on going there (though I did not get the invitation). To avoid the checking at entry gate we arrived an hour late in the venue. The checking is only done for the first 30 mins or so(Well, the guys doing that also have the rights to enjoy the party).
The first thing which caught my eye was the corner which was mostly infested by the blue brigade (that is the drinks counter). I made a promise to myself that today I wont stop before 6 pegs (declared that to my colleagues too) & quickly rushed towards the counter.
At the stage someone was showing some presentation regarding some achievements of some company.Oops it is my company (who cares when you have the Vodkas & Whiskeys luring you ) .They tried much to bring the audience near the stage but somehow the crowd preferred the diametrically opposite corner.
After an hour or so one of my friend asked “how many pegs?” “Three” I replied. After another hour the same question. “THREE” was my same answer. (at that time I could not figure out what was after three so decided to count like this.. one, two, three, three ,three…………THREE). Haven’t you heard about the term ‘gentleman’s word’.
With previous experiences of this kind of parties I knew that small fry’s like me always drinks like camels, eats like pigs & leaves(or gets carried by others) early but big shots waits till the crowd leaves & then start drinking like camels, eating like pigs & leaves(or get carried by others) at the end. Since I was none of the two (remember the honeymoon period) so I decided that I will start drinking with the small fry’s & end with big shots.
After 3 hours or so(could not remember exactly how many hours, as I was still stuck at three) some one got over bored and fell in the pool(3-4 ft deep). One big shot(I will call him Mr U from now onwards) asked us to get him out of the water quickly. He told “Hey , please get him out . If any incident happens today we will not have any such parties” “So the future of such party is your real concern” I thought. I took that guy out of his water bed & decided it was enough liquid for the day. Lets have something solid.
At the dinner table suddenly I found a hand on my shoulders. It was the same concerned Mr U. “So you have resigned?” “Yes” I replied.
“May I know why? Where are you joining? Who is your manager?”
He threw a volley of questions. I replied to the last one.
“I don’t know him. Who is his manager?“he said. I answered. Mr U did not know him too. Later he found a known person 3 levels up line to my manager. He took out his cell phone & called him. “Do you know this person(he told my name to him)? …….Okk” The conversation was over.
Mr U “Don’t think that since I am since I am sitting beside you I am same as you”.
“Not in my wildest dreams. I have much hair on my head & am better looking than you” I thought.
Mr U “Which college?”
Me “Heritage”
Mr U “Whats that? Haven’t heard about it.“.
“Thats your problem dude” I thought.
Mr U “Do you know from where I have studied?”
I was not interested.
Mr U “I have been to the IIT’s & IIM’s“.
“Whats the big deal? At the end of the day both of us are drunk by the same free vodka of the same damn organization” I thought, but remained silent.
Mr U “Do you know I own a BMW?”
“Now that’s some difference since I have a Maruti 800.” I thought.
Mr U “Hey.You are not believing me? I could have shown you my BMW but my wife took that to my in laws house“.
I remained silent.(And tried to look depressed since I Just missed my chance of seeing a BMW)
Mr U was constantly toggling between the topics. “Do you know I was a DJ in the IIM’s?”
He then told many things about his IIM days.
Seeing me not interested in this topic he said “Do you know that I can take away jobs of all the people sitting in your floor(Among them was his manager & the location head of Kolkata )?” “No f@!#$ng body can do anything to me here.”
During this time some f@!#$ng body heard our conversation & came to him.
“Hey U…… Its enough. Now go home.” That f@!#$ng body ordered.
“No ….da .This guy is not believing me.“. He pointed towards me.
(Now what have I done. I was listening patiently.)
But ….da seemed not interested in listening to him. He called some more f@!#$ng bodies the all of them carried Mr U out of the venue.
Later around 1 am in the morning I was also taken out of the venue by the security guards. And that’s how that party ended for me.

The Birth & Death of a Revolution

Every revolution starts from the Bed & ends there too. Hey dirty minds don’t think otherwise. By bed I am referring to dreams. Have you heard of any revolution in which the revolutionary minds haven’t slept before commencing their act?
The most prominent revolutionary minds are found amongst the Bengalis. Each of us have the potential to give birth to one revolution per day (sometimes even more than one during bangla bandhs, mohun bagan -east bengal matches, reality shows). The yield per day of a Bengali revolutionary mind can put the most productive chicken to a shame. Each day of a typical Bengali man will start with a revolutionary idea(the one conceived on the previous night). Night time is the best time for conceiving ( both revolutionary ideas & future revolutionaries) .This is the time when the mind is free of worldly thoughts(wife/children & their demands) & stomach full of rice & fish curry (10%) & water (40%) & gas (49%) & 1% of X factor(antacid). Here lies the secret of why the famous line was once uttered for us, “What Bengal thinks today India thinks tomorrow”.
Now lets see what these revolutionary ideas are.
1) Greg Chappel to be replaced with the demon (asur) during durga puja.
2) Effective home made cure of stomach upset, peptic ulcers, & other big & small diseases.
3) Hooting for Bula di to be the next CM/PM/President.
4) Bengali to be made the official language of India. (Just imagine how two Tamils will be conversing in Bengali).
5) Replace Rajnikant with our own Mithun’da. (Guys he is no less than Rajni & his teachings such as “marbo ekhane lash porbe soshane”, “ek chobolei chobi” should be spread all around the world. )
6) Posenjit replacing shahrukh khan & his movies to be remaked in all the available south Indian languages. (What would the south remake of “baba keno chakor & sasurbari jindabad” be called??)
7) All the reality contest winners should be from Bengal. (Similar to all the new trains being plying from Bengal now a days)
8 ) Removing the word “Metro” from delhi metro project as metro being the sole propitiatory of bengal. (It can be any thing such as local train/ uran khatola/ hawai jahaj but not metro)
9) Making Dada the captain of Indian cricket team till he retires on his own or till death. (whichever comes first)
Other than these Global ideas of revolution there are few minor local revolutionary ideas getting birth each day like.
1) 101 excuses for being late in office/ of getting a leave.
2) 51 processes to make your neighbors envy. (getting a onida TV does not come into these)
3) 501 ways to bargain with the grocer & fish seller.
4) 1001 ways to save your salary from the clutches of your wife. (Not a single one works though). etc etc etc.
Now the whole day all these ideas gets nurtured & cultivated in ones mind. Later while returning from the office in a “Metro” (in a hanging state) & getting abused by his wife for a glass of water(one glass of water equals 5 minutes loss of daily soaps/serials) at home all these ideas gets died down. With the final nail in the coffin coming in form of a request(order) for hike of the monthly extortion money (aka “masher khorcha”) just before going to sleep. The last words that each such revolutionary idea hears before its death are “DHUS SAALA… EI DESH ER AR KICHUE HOBE NA… JOY MA TARA…EBAR SUYE PORA JAK”. And this process continues…………..